re: kaylee on rest

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I read Kaylee's piece if you're sick, rest about how, well, if you're sick, you should rest. I think it's mostly right, and I'll consider the suggestion to rest more. But let me at least explain why I push through the sickness sometimes.

I am not that healthy in general, so my general condition is somewhat like the weather — sometimes good, sometimes bad, somewhat predictable but somewhat not. It's bad enough often enough that I am accustomed to operating at a suboptimal level. For me, symptoms like brain fog and fatigue are regular occurences to be dealt with, not reliable indicators of acute illness. It's easy for sickness to get lost in the noise; I'm often pushing through because I simply can't tell that I'm sick.

But as it stands now, I can't stop doing things every time bad weather happens. If I did, I would be doing life something like a third of the time. I don't think that's a fulfilling way to live, and I feel like most people would agree. I think I'd be open to resting more if you could explain the difference between "I'm feeling under the weather, but it's within expectation" and "I am actually sick and need to rest."

Okay, okay, I know what you're about to say. That can't be all there is to it, because I definitely knew I was sick today. I had a sore throat, my lungs were burning, my head was throbbing. I had masked up because I knew I was sick, for goodness' sake.

Yes, you're right; there's another reason. Simply put, being sick makes me feel small and pathetic, and hanging on to this "I can still do all the Things, even when I'm sick" gives me an illusion of power that comforts me. I feel some need to prove that I am stronger than my body, that I am the master of the meatbag, not the other way around. So I keep pushing through, despite the fact that the illusion shatters every single time.

I freely admit that this is a maladaptive coping mechanism, but I think this is a point that Kaylee failed to consider in their original post. They hint at a mind-body conflict through the piece, but it's mostly framed in terms of some ideal of Productivity, not the more general feeling of powerlessness. In my experience, the pushing through is never about getting Real Work done, per se, but more about dodging the feeling of life being wrested from you.

I'm surprised that this was missed, actually, given that Kaylee is me. But I can see where it comes from. Here's some armchair psychoanalysis: I think Kaylee considers their productive output their main avenue of influencing their life, whether that's through material gains, social approval, etc. So when they get sick, it's easy to fixate on "can't work" as the main problem, when it's actually "can't life" that's bothering them.

I still think Kaylee is right. I really should rest more; that much seems objectively true. But there are real reasons why the pushing through happens, and they're not just "oops forgot that consequences exist." Painting it through that lens is reductive, and frankly, kind of annoying.

Okay, I'm actually going to rest now. Good night.